You've probably noticed my lack of writing in the past month or so. It's semi-hilarious to me that I write when I'm feeling particularly happy or sad or angry - it's a way that seems to diffuse or focus my emotion into something practical. In this one spiritual direction book I was reading awhile back it talked about ways people tend to get stuck in two modes of processing. The three modes they laid out were thinking, feeling and acting or T, F and A. My personality tends to get caught up in a cycle of F and T - first I'll feel something, then think about it, then feel something, then think and I'll drive myself nuts! Adding an A to the cycle balances out my processing and it's crazy how well it focuses me. So if I'm thinking and feeling a ton, which tends to be always, when I add an A component - something simple like creatively drawing out how I'm feeling or journaling, cooking or anything that's hand's on and outside of my head and heart and more in my body helps me to process. There are those who vaciliate between F and A - or T and A - which I think is more the Northeast culture, very industrious, always on the move and doing something. The problem with vaciliating between say, a T and A is that there is never any connection with the heart - a lot may get done, but when you step back and evaluate, it might very well be that it wasn't necessary or even useful to yourself or anyone else. The F and A - maybe that looks more impulsive - spontaneous - equally as dangerous as other modes.
So i'm trying to be more intentional about writing and sharing my thoughts. I've had many and have found that I'm keeping them to myself - there are stories of what God is doing in my life and I've been holding them a bit too tightly. This is not what I've been asked to do - I'm called to tell my story as that is part of the process of honoring Him and giving glory to Him. It's also freeing - liberating - for me.
What's scary about sharing my story is the way I must be vulnerable. When you talk about how He's saved you it's evident that there was something in you that needed to be saved. Going into the light and being exposed isn't something we should be afraid of - living in shadows is more dangerous. That's where feeling can very much steer you in the wrong direction. A good friend shared with me awhile back about how God doesn't speak through fear and intimidation - the kind of fear that stops you in your tracks and pulls you into yourself, forcing you to retreat from life. For example, I always get scared when getting on a plane and for awhile I always wondered if that was God trying to tell me not to get on. But when I think about the ways God speaks to folks in the bible - He tells them things that their first response is always fear (hence the constant assurance, do not be afraid). Fear tends to be how we respond to His call - but that is not how He is speaking to us nor how He wants us to feel.
Now don't get me wrong, there is the fear of God that is good stuff and something I'll get into in the next post when I talk about shame. And I think we all could think of examples when you are like - well, I'm glad I was scared, it knocked me out of doing something horrible to myself or others. But then again, isn't that wisdom? Shouldn't we be doing things out of wisdom and reverence to Him instead of out just wanting to save our hides? Anyway, I digress.
Getting on the plane I realized that His voice was the one trying to calm me down - pouring peace over me and bringing me back to what my life is all about - Him. The voices of impending death and eventual destruction and plane pieces scattered across the mountains - that's not Him. That's me and that's the Enemy.
I don't think we fear too little. I might even say that there are those who you think are fearless who are still acting out of fear not out of love or out of peace or joy. I don't like the english language for the way fear feels like the only word for something that I think there are multiple definitions. There is something God wants us to have - fear of the Lord - but it's not the fear I'm talking about, that's another kind. I need some greek and hebrew scholars now!
So for my next posts:
1) Shame
2) Confession
3) Lost - the game
